♥ Life, Such a game.

Thursday, September 11, 2008 ♥ 11:42 PM

it had been almost an year already,
i tot i had get over it and get on with life .
but then today reality hits me .

nth is really fine at all . nth had change at all ,
the hole in my chest is nt even half healed ,
i shivered at the thought of it .

just now when dar "disappear" for 4hours , and after arguing with my mother .
it all suddenly become clear to me ..
i sat on bed with tears washing my face , thinking abt what my mother said and also worrying over dar .

just nw dar suddenly "disappear" ,
i dun know why im freaking out already since its just four hours ._.
it is nt like it had been four long days .
i know im being ridiculous . but i cant stop myself .
im thinking all sorts of things that might happen to him ..

did he run over by a car ? did he roll down the stairs ? or he suddenly slip in the toilet and hit his head ?!?!

then i tried to comfort myself and say .
maybe he's just aslp , or left his phone somewhr . maybe his mother confiscated it or threw it on the floor, broken . blahblah .

but this thoughts seem to only last for .. a few minutes -_-
and there i go freak out again .

i was already planning what to do next .
if he didnt "appear" by , -tmr afternoon, i would go call his hse .
-sunday, i would go outside his house and sit outside until i saw him
-next sunday, maybe i would kill myself (still thinking the best way)

after memories start rushing all over me again , just like how my ex-boyfriend switch himself from a sweet angel to a monster in less then one hour , feeling how cold my heart was that i cant even bring myself to cry .
And how my tears suddenly rush out the other time and lied to my mother that i cried like a mad woman because i lost in a computer game ._. (this one is really really stupid but she buys it anw . haha -)

also thinking abt what my mother said abt :
My future ahead in pitch black darkness .
i almost imagined myself sleeping on a street begging for money .
it's so pathetic , what could happened to me after my parents died ?
with this lousy results of mine , no shops/companies would take me in .
and how am i going to support myself ?
to even find a place to live and survive ?
then whats my reason to continue to live if dar is gone?

i dont know and i cant find my answers .. at least for now .
well, i feel that the things i put in my chest hole are nw starting to leek out so it goes empty again .
but in the end , when dar finally "appear" and stopped my long chains of thoughts (: i was glad that all my plans go into the bin :D

this is a emo post , and i dont need anyones comment on my spellings and grammers being WRONG . you see , i really cant be bother abt MY BLOG ENGLISH being correct or Nt . as long as my readers understand RIGHT ? maybe nt right for you , but i think it is right for MY blog so its fine (: its really starting to get on my nerve , i do apologise for that . Sorry .

to make it sound simplier : just read the poor english of mine and pretend you nvr see anything.